As a therapist specializing in abuse and trauma, I hold the stories of hundreds of traumatic relationships – my own childhood memories silently scaffolding understanding. Through the vulnerable trust of each person I connect with, I witness repeatedly the dynamics of traumatic relationships causing anxiety, fear, and diminished self-esteem. Traumatic relationships can significantly disrupt every aspect of daily life.
The pain of a traumatic relationship can be so intense as to fill your dreams with stressful themes, consume your waking thoughts, and rob you of joy and productivity in your days. If you find yourself shrinking into a smaller, more fearful, and anxious version of who you once were, or replaying past painful patterns in present relationships, then you may be suffering from a traumatic relationship.
What is a traumatic relationship?
Traumatic relationships result when close connections cause psychological harm, including a damaged sense of safety and capacity for trust. The relationship may be with a parent, partner, or other trusted person in your inner circle. The vulnerability of closeness fosters a dynamic in which significant emotional damage may be done; often, though not always, involving physical or sexual violence.
Traumatic relationships may involve coercive control, impulsive emotional dysregulation, or betrayal. The unifying factor that makes a relationship traumatic is a sense of loss of internalized control, fear, devaluation, and betrayal of trust.
Types of traumatic or toxic relationships
Traumatizing relationships, often referred to as toxic relationships, can include child abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting and psychological abuse, patriarchal control and devaluation, and romantic betrayal (e.g., cheating). There is often a cycle involving three stages: a positive stage of felt closeness, an escalation into verbal or physical attacks, and a repair or resolution stage filled with remorse or altered behavior, promises or reassurances, and efforts to restore the felt connection or control.
Traumatic relationships may occur within a core family unit (with a parent, sibling, or other relative), within a domestic or romantic partnership, or outside the home with a person of influence who uses their position to abuse and exploit, such as with a coach, clergy member, or authority figure at a school or workplace.
Impacts of early traumatic relationships
The impacts of a traumatic relationship are significant and long-lasting. If you grew up with these dynamics, such as with emotionally abusive parents, a physically abusive sibling, or a sexually abusive relative, your core ability to develop trust was damaged in its formative state. The lesson of the earliest developmental stage of childhood is whether people can be trusted.[1] If the relationships in your life taught you that they cannot, this organizes neural development around guardedness and distrust, hampering attachment and security.
The default relational mode for life becomes an expectation of being hurt or alone, unable to depend on others, and an anticipation of abandonment or betrayal. This internalized mental model shapes all subsequent relationships.
Those who grew up within traumatic or abusive dynamics are far more likely to become ensnared in similar relationships in adulthood, as dysfunction is normalized, while healthy, mutual relationships have no internalized model. Red flags are missed as there is no healthy construct against which to compare them. For those who do not escape this legacy of repetition, the physiological and psychological effects of traumatic relationships compound.
Long-term impacts of traumatic relationships
Traumatic relationships mean living with a chronic sense of feeling unsafe. This causes the sympathetic nervous system to remain in a constant state of hyperarousal. You feel on edge, anxious, irritable, jumpy, and become more easily upset. The tension takes a toll on your body, as well, from muscle tension to stomach and headaches to difficulty sleeping and fatigue, to an impaired immune response, higher blood pressure, and a greater likelihood of both viral and chronic illnesses.[2]
Psychologically, traumatic relationships leave their mark on survivors by instilling false narratives about self-worth and belonging. You may feel that you are less than others, deserving of abuse, and unlikely to ever be fully, deeply, and truly loved without conditions. The critical and condemning voice you heard from parents or a partner is internalized, and you may carry on the emotional abuse you received through your own negative self-talk.
Breaking Free
Emancipating yourself from the traumatic relationship is a milestone in breaking free from its control, yet it is only the first step. Because of the damage of internalized negative core beliefs, it often takes ongoing work to fully break the chains. Don’t be discouraged; healing and freedom are possible and worth the effort. It may involve the following steps, which I explore in greater depth in my book, Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse.[3]
Recognize the toxicity
Before you can make a change and begin to heal, you must squarely face the problem and accept it for what it is. As long as we continue to lie to ourselves and hold onto false hopes and vain promises of improbable change, we remain stuck. It may help to get an objective perspective from a trusted confidante or explore a self-help book on the specific relationship type you are in to evaluate the dynamic you’re experiencing.
Through acknowledging the harm you are enduring, you begin to unravel the ties that connect you to the belief that you deserve the maltreatment or that it was your fault. It was not: you have always deserved respect and love.
Commit to ending the connection
Before change can happen comes a point of decision. You must move beyond hoping for change to deciding that you want and deserve to be free of a dynamic that continues to harm you. This may necessitate making a plan to move if you live with the person who is causing you harm. This often requires multiple logistical steps and securing external support.
Separate
If the traumatic relationship is with someone potentially violent, you may need to move while they are away and go to an undisclosed location, such as a domestic violence shelter or the home of a friend they do not know. Domestic violence resources tend to be locally organized, but using a national confidential hotline (see resources below) is a great place to start if you don’t know where to turn. Don’t be afraid to call; reaching out for information doesn’t mean losing your power of choice.
Separation is generally the most dangerous point in an abusive relationship. Turn off device location on your phone. If you can, reach out to a friend or family member for physical support while packing. You do not have to do this alone.
Create and maintain boundaries
For many, this is the most challenging part of moving on from a toxic relationship. The other person will try to hoover you back into the repeating cycle. They will not be pleased, nor will they respect the boundaries you set. Maintain them anyway: you do not need their permission or approval to create the boundaries that will protect your emotional and physical well-being. If they continue to cause you psychological harm, consider going no-contact.
Assess the damage
With the newfound psychological space you have created by leaving the traumatic relationship, it is time to honestly reflect on the harm that was caused. This is essential to the inner healing process and to prevent repetition within another relationship. With tender compassion toward yourself, notice the ways you’ve been hurt, the ways you have changed or shrunken, and the areas you want and need to heal and expand.
Do inner work
As you look within, take a notebook and write your thoughts, feelings, and memories. Describe your wants for yourself and positive affirmations about your value and worth. If possible, look for a therapist who can guide you through this process. You may try compassionate meditation, breathing deeply and slowly as you send love to the hurt parts inside.
Find ways to move your body that feel empowering and release the stored tension, such as walking, yoga, dance, or bike-riding. Such practices will reassure your subconscious that you are free and you are safe.
Build new, healthier relationships
As you heal, you will find space emerging inside for new relationships to fill the void of separation. Learn about green flags of healthy relationships, such as respect, consideration, curiosity, kindness, attentiveness, and transparency. Look for examples of healthy couples you wish to emulate, whether in your personal life or on the public stage.
Engage with others in spaces that foster personal interests, such as arts or cooking classes, dance, gyms, volunteering, or political or faith organizations. Know that you are complete, whole, and worthy as you are, while allowing space for healthy relationships to grow.
Things to avoid
As you move away from traumatic relationships, be careful not to run too quickly into replacement relationships. Without introspection and healing, it is too easy to replicate the damaging cycle with someone new. Just like with food, relationships are an important part of life and fill a true, human need, but can also be used compulsively or as an addiction. When we use someone or something to fill an emotional void, that healthy relationship quickly spirals into something unhealthy. Instead, give yourself space and grace to heal, and then from that fuller self, expand outward.
In the healing process, it is essential to let yourself feel. Avoid the temptation to numb painful memories and emotions with alcohol, drugs, compulsive eating, gambling, shopping, or meaningless sex. Let yourself feel the pain, pouring it out cup by cup. There may be a lot there, but you won’t drown. If it feels like more than you can handle, consider enlisting a therapist to support you.
Resist the urge to return to the traumatic relationship in hope of a different outcome, or to make them see your perspective, or to make them hurt as much as you do. Avoid the temptation to keep tabs on them through social media. It does not serve you to know who your ex may be dating now. They weren’t good for you, so let them go. You deserve better, and you will only be able to receive that when you stop grasping onto what is behind. Surrender the past. Open yourself to the future.
Next steps
It’s time to evaluate your traumatic relationship. Reflect on what you want, and what steps are appropriate for your unique dynamic. Consider enlisting the counsel and support of a confidante, whether a friend or a therapist. Believe that change is possible, and that you deserve a better, happier life. You do!
Takeaway
Traumatic relationships rob us of our sense of self, of safety, and of peace. Patterns of unhealthy relationships frequently replay in new scenarios until the core beliefs learned from the earliest traumatic relationship are identified, rejected, and replaced. This is not easy work, but with the right support and belief in your worthiness of a better life, it is possible. Don’t give up.
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