Attachment theory was originally developed to explain child development, but it has become increasingly popular as a way to understand adult relationships, especially romantic ones. Our attachment style represents fundamental beliefs about ourselves, the people around us, and the world in general, which can have a significant impact on our mental health.
- Attachment styles are ways of understanding the world and relating to others that come from early relationships with parents and caregivers
- The majority of people have a secure attachment style. There are three types of insecure attachment, which represent untrusting beliefs about relationships with others
- Insecure attachment styles are associated with poorer mental health and more difficult relationships. Attachment wounds can be healed through therapy
What are attachment styles?
An attachment style describes how someone thinks and feels about their relationships with others. This influences how they behave in those relationships, their deep beliefs about their own worth and how others will treat them. A person’s attachment style primarily impacts how much they are able to trust others, and people with insecure attachment styles struggle with deep-seated trust issues.
The idea of attachment styles comes from observations of how very young children interact with their parents and how they respond when their parents are absent. Children were described as being securely or insecurely attached based on the way they behaved, and these behaviors are thought to reflect underlying beliefs they are developing about themselves and others.
History of attachment theory
Attachment theory is primarily based on the work of two psychologists. John Bowlby put forward the theory that children are born with an instinctive need for emotional connection with their parents. Bowlby believed that early behavior, such as crying, is an attempt for infants to meet that innate need for connection. He also suggested that they develop an understanding of how the world works from those emotional bonds. [1]
Mary Ainsworth furthered this theory by creating the Strange Situation experiment. In this experiment, children were observed as they played in an unfamiliar room, as their mother and a stranger were present or left the room. This led Ainsworth to suggest that there were three distinct patterns of attachment. A fourth, less common, attachment style was added later. [2]
The attachment theory
Attachment theory starts from the observation that children rely on other people to have all of their needs met. They behave in ways that help make sure this happens, for example, by crying when they are hungry. How a parent or caregiver responds to those behaviors teaches a child which behaviors are effective in getting their needs met, and this brings implicit messages about themselves and others. These expectations endure into adulthood, affecting their self-image and becoming crystallized into an attachment style.
Attachment styles are usually discussed as discrete categories, but the reality is more of a spectrum. Most people display characteristics of each attachment style in specific situations. An attachment style reflects trends or patterns in your relationships, rather than being the defining factor.
The four main attachment styles
Ainsworth initially found three attachment styles, but researchers subsequently added fearful-avoidant (disorganized).
Attachment styles can be divided according to two parameters: avoidance and anxiety. [3]
- Avoidance is how uncomfortable someone is with emotional closeness and intimacy.
- Anxiety is how worried they are that the people they are attached to won’t be there for them.
Here’s how the four attachment styles relate to anxiety and avoidance, along with alternative commonly used names. [4]
Secure Attachment Style
This is considered the ‘ideal’ attachment style, and is associated with the lowest risk of mental health issues. It is also the most common, with 70% of children in Ainsworth’s original study being categorized as securely attached. [5]
How someone with a secure attachment style understands the world
Someone with a secure attachment style has low avoidance and low anxiety. They generally hold positive views about themselves and the people in their lives. They’re willing to trust and be close to others, without excessively worrying that they'll be hurt, rejected, or abandoned.
What this looks like in children
In Mary Ainsworth’s research, children with a secure attachment were confident playing when their mother was present and weren’t unduly worried by the presence of the stranger. They were distressed when she left, but were quickly comforted when she returned. Children with secure attachment styles still need to be close to their caregivers, but can also feel safe during planned or short absences.
What this looks like in adults
Adults with a secure attachment style have a healthy self-image. They are comfortable in close relationships, trusting that others will be there for them and asking for support when needed. It may also be easier for adults with a secure attachment style to form healthy relationships, set boundaries, and manage difficult conflicts in mature ways.
Anxious Preoccupied Attachment Style
This insecure attachment style is often just called “anxious”. It accounted for 15% of children in the original study.
How someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style understands the world
Someone with an anxious preoccupied attachment style has low avoidance and high anxiety, leading to dependency, clinginess, and a need for control in relationships. They often have unreasonably positive views about others and a relatively poor self-image. They’re highly focused on closeness and emotional intimacy, but may not feel that they deserve this. As a result, they have a high need for reassurance and contact, which becomes more intense during periods of stress or separation.
What this looks like in children
In Ainsworth’s study, children with an anxious attachment style were more nervous than other children. They were afraid of the stranger and extremely distressed when their mother left. When their mother returned, they would approach her for comfort, but would sometimes push her away. Children with an anxious preoccupied attachment style may be clingy, distressed, and have difficulty during normal periods of separation from their caregivers. [4]
What this looks like in adults
Adults with an anxious preoccupied attachment style struggle to feel the kind of emotional connection they desire in their relationships. They are often afraid of being abandoned and may overwhelm or smother their partners in an attempt to seek reassurance. This can lead to enmeshed or codependent patterns in adult relationships, particularly romantic ones.
Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style
The dismissive avoidant insecure attachment style is also known as “avoidant”. It is about as common as anxious preoccupied, accounting for around 15% of people.
How someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style understands the world
Dismissive avoidant attachment style is associated with a relatively negative and mistrustful view of others and relationships. People with this attachment style believe that others can’t be genuinely trusted. They are uncomfortable with emotional closeness and particularly dislike depending on someone else. They rarely worry about being abandoned, instead prioritizing self-reliance.
What this looks like in children
In Ainsworth’s study, children with a dismissive avoidant attachment style showed little connection with their mother, showing little distress when she left or interest when she returned. They were equally comforted by the stranger and their mother. These children may minimize or deny their feelings, as well as their need for closeness, comfort, and emotional safety.[4]
What this looks like in adults
Adults with a dismissive avoidant attachment style appear cold or distant in relationships. They pull away during times of stress, and struggle to feel connected with people close to them. They are often afraid of being overwhelmed by someone else’s feelings or needs, and are self-sufficient to a fault. In romantic relationships, they may have a tendency to withdraw, shut down, and are hesitant to make long-term commitments.
Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment Style
Fearful avoidant attachment styles are rare, hard to understand, and usually associated with some form of abuse, which may be why they didn’t show up in earlier studies. [2] People with this attachment style do not have a consistent pattern of behavior, instead showing some aspects of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles.
This inconsistent pattern shouldn’t be confused with someone having a fluid or adaptable response to relationships. Attachment styles are a spectrum and can change in different circumstances. A fearful avoidant attachment style is rare and usually causes significant problems in relationships and personal distress.
How someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style understands the world
Someone with a fearful avoidant attachment style has high avoidance and high anxiety. This means that they have a generally negative view of themselves and others. They don’t believe that others can be trusted or relied upon, but they also don’t believe that they are worthy of care or support. As a result, they are often craving closer connections with others, but struggle to accept those when they are offered.
What this looks like in children
Children with a fearful avoidant attachment style show a variety of behaviors, many of which are contradictory. They may freeze, rock, or show signs of being afraid of the mother. They are highly distressed and not easily comforted. [6] Children with disorganized attachment styles may be clingy and needy one moment, and then distant or angry in the next.
What this looks like in adults
Adults with a fearful avoidant attachment style are unpredictable, wanting extremely close relationships but not trusting their loved ones. They are often highly motivated by fear, believing that others will inevitably harm them. They may demand excessive reassurance and support from others, only to be angry or refuse it when it is offered. In romantic relationships, adults with disorganized attachment styles may be very unpredictable in how they respond to conflict with their partner.
Can attachment styles change?
It’s not possible to unlearn the lessons of childhood, but attachment styles can change. You may be able to reduce the intensity of your attachment style, moving closer to a secure attachment style while still fitting the criteria for insecure attachment. Alternatively, you may find that you start to show secure attachment behaviors in a wider range of circumstances or for a greater proportion of the time.
Changing your attachment style will usually involve therapy, as you work through the events that led to your original attachment style. You may also need corrective emotional experiences with people who do accept you. Finding a trauma-informed therapist can be a good starting point for people looking to heal old attachment wounds.
Unfortunately, attachment style changes can also go in the other direction. People who had secure attachments as children can develop a more insecure attachment style if they encounter abuse or harm.
How attachment styles affect mental health and addiction
Attachment styles can impact mental health and addiction in two ways. Having negative beliefs about the self, others, and the world can be distressing, leading to strong negative emotions. Additionally, people with insecure attachment styles have less effective tools for regulating their emotions and managing stressful situations. This may explain why insecure attachment styles represent a consistent risk factor for poor mental health and addiction. [7]
Social support systems are considered a protective factor for mental health, reducing the risk of mental illness. Those with anxious preoccupied attachment styles may self-sabotage their relationships or overwhelm others with their need for reassurance, while those with dismissive avoidant attachment styles pull away from others at times of stress, refusing to accept help and support. Both groups may find it difficult to access the protective benefits of social support for their mental health. [8]
People with insecure attachment styles can struggle to regulate their emotions and deal with stress, which may lead some to self-medicate with substances and develop substance use disorder (SUD). [4] Researchers suspect that the substances people abuse relate specifically to their emotional needs. [9] They predict that someone who wants to push emotions away (dismissive avoidant) might abuse sedatives, while someone who is highly focused on their attachment needs (anxious preoccupied) might abuse stimulants. [10] More research is needed to discover whether this is the case.
Attachment styles may also be affected by substance use, especially during early life. Adolescents who use substances may have impaired relationships with caregivers as a result, leading to a loss of trust and damage to the inner working model of the world. [4]
This suggests that healing attachment wounds may be an effective addition to SUD treatment and, especially, relapse prevention. Attachment awareness is also key because people who use substances as a coping strategy are usually expected to be abstinent during treatment, meaning that they do not have access to their usual tools and may be in a state of attachment distress as well. [10]
Healing toward secure attachment
Moving towards a more secure attachment style requires understanding the implicit beliefs you hold about yourself, other people, and the world in general, before examining those beliefs and expectations to decide whether they are accurate.
Most types of therapy are able to help you heal your attachment style.
- Therapists who are trauma-informed are more likely to have specialized knowledge and experience in insecure attachment styles.
- Psychodynamic therapy focuses on improving self-awareness and looking back at the causes of your attachment style in a compassionate, supportive way. [11]
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) specializes in evaluating and correcting inaccurate beliefs about yourself and others. [12]
- Humanistic or person-centred therapy offers a powerful acceptance of you as you currently are, which can be transformational for those who have never had their attachment needs met before. [13]
- Integrative therapies, which bring together tools from each of these approaches, may be especially valuable.
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