Boundaries are guides that outline and protect your needs within relationships. The purpose is not to push people away, but to clarify the distance and the ways in which you can interact healthfully with those in your life, while protecting your emotional and physical space.
Why we set boundaries
Boundaries are essential in both happy and challenging relationships to maintain your mental wellness and to strengthen and protect important relationships.
When you are feeling flooded or overwhelmed by the level of interaction or demands placed upon you by people in your life, finding yourself exhausted and depleted mentally, physically, or both, it may be time to set boundaries to protect and conserve your finite energy.
Situations where people may have boundaries
People may set boundaries for a range of reasons, but everyone should have some. The inverse of having no boundaries is being a “doormat,” a person who allows others to “walk all over” them and take advantage. Boundaries exist in all social situations and interactions, but may change depending on the situation, the person you’re interacting with, and your feelings or needs.
Boundaries may limit times when you are available to be contacted or go out, whether you are open to others dropping by your home unannounced, or whether you want others to share your image on social media. Boundaries can delineate topics you do not want discussed, such as your body shape, political preferences, or painful memories. You may have boundaries with a co-parent about whether they are allowed in your home and which forms of communication, such as text, voice calls, or email, you are willing to use. Everyone should have boundaries around what forms of physical contact others may engage in with them, including who, where, and when.
Boundaries may also be set for any dependents under your care, including children, disabled, or elderly people. Whether the boundaries are set for yourself or others for whom you are responsible, the point is protection and care.
Related blog: Setting boundaries during recovery
Common myths about setting boundaries
There are many misconceptions about boundaries, both from those reacting to boundaries set with them and from those misusing boundaries against others. Boundaries should be grounded in cultivating respectful relationships, not causing damage, with the recognition that healthy dynamics give you the space you need, physically and mentally. Boundaries are not weapons, not revenge, and not punishments.
Let’s take a look at some common myths about boundaries.
Boundaries are selfish
Rather than being selfish, boundaries recognize and respect your own person, body, and emotions as separate from others and worthy of protection. You do not owe your entire self to others; therefore, there is nothing selfish about creating internal and external clarity around what you are willing to share and when.
Boundaries are used to change others
Boundaries should not be used to try to change others. Not only would this be manipulative, but it’s likely to be ineffective, too. The only person who can change someone is themselves. Rather, boundaries acknowledge the interpersonal dynamics for what they are and respond to them in ways that maximize your emotional and physical health.
Boundaries are used to shut people out
Contrary to common misperception, healthy boundaries protect relationships. Shutting someone out may be a last resort after boundaries have failed or been repeatedly violated. Think of a boundary as the dashed lines on the road that delineate the space within which each car should travel, rather than a “road closed” sign.
Boundaries are only temporary
Do not assume someone else’s boundary is just temporary and that you can ignore it next time unless that has been explicitly stated. Healthy relationships are built on respect for each other’s needs, and that includes what is expressed and protected through set boundaries. Because needs change over time, boundaries may change, but it is up to the one setting the boundary to determine such change.
Boundaries are damaging to relationships
Boundaries, when respected, are protective of rather than damaging to relationships. Those who strenuously resist boundaries certainly create tension and strain that can harm connections, but that damage stems from disrespect of others’ expressed needs, rather than from the boundaries themselves.
Boundaries are only for vulnerable people
Everyone needs and deserves to have boundaries. Do you shut and lock your door at night? Expect others to seek consent before attempting to engage in sex with you? These are boundaries that most healthy people share. Boundaries communicate self-respect, not weakness.
Boundaries are the same as “walls”
Boundaries are more akin to picket fences with gates. By erecting the fence, you communicate that others are not welcome to wander across your property, tromping through your flower gardens. Nevertheless, an invitation is implied to approach through the identified entry point if they wish to engage with you.
Boundaries are a suggestion, not a rule
This is where boundaries cause the most friction. When others respond to boundaries as a mere suggestion, they communicate that their own wants are of higher priority than the person communicating their needs through a boundary. Such arrogance rapidly erodes relationships.
The role of boundaries in mental health
Learning to set and maintain boundaries can be foundational to improved mental health, as it creates a consistent and stable foundation upon which to stand, and, if in recovery, the space within which to heal. Boundaries help you regain your personal power within unhealthy relationship dynamics, so you are not so subject to the volatility or manipulations of others.
As you heal from emotional or other abuses, finding the strength to set limits with others helps you to find your voice, build confidence, and realize your power where learned helplessness might once have kept you small. Boundaries empower you to say “no” to things, like substance use or unwanted sex, that may have harmed your mental health in the past.
How boundaries should be set
Boundaries only exist once communicated. Beyond common social norms, you cannot merely imagine a boundary and then become angry at others for not mind-reading and following it. For example, if you don’t want friends to drop by your house unannounced but have never voiced this on past visits, you have not set a boundary, nor have they violated your boundaries for not knowing your preferences.
Boundaries should be purposeful, specific, and clear. Communicate your needs and the boundaries that will protect them using direct, unambiguous language. Do not simply complain about a behavior (“I hate it when you…”) or hint at a change (“maybe you shouldn’t…”). Using “I” language, express your need and the limit. For example, “I reserve the last hour of my day for a quiet evening routine and try to be in bed by 10:00. Please do not call or text me after 9:00 unless it is an emergency, as I won’t be responding after that time.” If it feels necessary or helpful, it’s fine to add something like, “It’s nothing personal – just what I need for my own peace of mind.”
The final step of boundary setting is as important as the words used to communicate it: follow through. Using the example above, if you have said you won’t take calls or texts after 9:00, don’t. Not at 9:05 or 9:10. Be clear and consistent in enforcing your boundary, regardless of the other person’s push-back. With time and consistency, often after initial resistance, they will have to come to accept it.
Remember, it is your own self-awareness that determines the rightness of your boundaries, not others’ reception.
How boundaries can be misused
Boundaries are expressions of self-respect designed to protect relationships. They are not weapons. They are not punishments. They are not arrows to deliver pointed messages.
Do not misuse the idea of boundaries to avoid difficult conversations or push people away when you are uncomfortable. Do not misuse boundaries as a form of silent treatment or to create triangulation. Boundaries are not a cover-up for things that bring you shame.
Be internally clear on your intention. If it is about you and your mental or physical health, follow that. If it stems from anger or a desire to hurt someone, stop, let yourself cool, and reconsider. Create space, breathe into that space, and bravely move forward.
How ignoring boundaries can be damaging
Ignoring a boundary demonstrates disrespect. It can communicate to the boundary-setter that you are an unsafe person. It makes you unpredictable, leaving the other person unsure how far you will intrude and what else you might do.
Pushing past boundaries is also likely to have a paradoxical effect. While you might feel tempted to disregard boundaries that create more distance than you would like, you should expect to be met with resistance that pushes you even further away.
There is also danger in ignoring your own boundaries. A well-considered boundary is a sign of strength and self-respect. While there may be times when it is reasonable to pause a boundary, such as in an emergency, ignoring personal boundaries because of fear, self-doubt, or feelings of unworthiness will bring you psychological harm. Believe that you are worthy of the protection your boundaries can provide.
What to do if your boundaries are not respected
If you are the one whose boundaries are disrespected, remember that your boundaries are not a negotiation. Others do not need to like or assent to them to validate whether they are right for you and your family. Remain consistent.
Follow through on any contingencies you have outlined when you set the boundary. If, for example, you have told your mother that you will not participate in conversations about religion, end the phone call or leave the get-together if she persists beyond a reminder. Your consistency will reinforce the seriousness of your boundary and eventually lead to compliance, though it may follow a period of increased attempts to wear you down.
If, however, acceptance of your boundaries is not forthcoming and intrusions continue, you may need to decrease, pause, or end engagement with that person – yes, even if they are family.
Final thought
Boundaries are not weapons of aggression or shields for cowering victims, but steady guidelines that healthy people communicate and reinforce to maintain their well-being. You have needs, and therefore the right and responsibility to yourself and your dependents to protect those needs, whether physical or psychological. Those who love you will not be repelled, but respect and appreciate the knowledge of how to love you better. Take courage, and speak your limits to those around you.
Further reading
- The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits that will Set you Free by Melissa Urban
- Boundaries, Updated and Expanded Edition: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life by Henry Cloud and John Townsend
- Gaslighting: A Step-by-Step Recovery Guide to Heal from Emotional Abuse and Build Healthy Relationships by Deborah Vinall
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab
