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Watching a loved one relapse can be scary, heartbreaking, frustrating, and incredibly discouraging. Feelings of guilt, disappointment, anger, and confusion are normal as you wonder what went wrong, how bad things will get, and what, if anything, you should do next. While a relapse can signal a major setback in recovery, it does not mean that recovery has failed. For many, it takes more than one attempt to achieve lasting sobriety.
- Many individuals in recovery from an addiction experience at least one relapse before achieving long-term recovery.
- Supporting a loved one who has recently relapsed is incredibly challenging, and feelings of anger, disappointment, fear, and confusion are common.
- It can be difficult to know what to say to a loved one after a relapse, but communicating care and concern is often helpful, as well as emphasizing helpful next steps.
Understanding relapse as a family member
When you have witnessed a family member’s experience with active addiction and supported them through the process of recovery, a relapse can feel devastating, and it can be difficult not to see it as an indication of failure. While relapse is devastating and represents a major setback in recovery, it is also a common part of the recovery process for many individuals working to overcome an addiction to drugs or alcohol.
Research indicates that many people who struggle with an addiction may eventually achieve long-term recovery, but this is rarely a linear process. According to multiple studies, 40–60% of individuals in recovery experience at least one relapse along the way. Relapses can occur at any point in the recovery process, but are more common early on, with the risk declining after the first year. [1][2]
Substance use disorder, which is the clinical term for drug and alcohol addictions, is considered a chronic condition. Similar to other chronic conditions, symptoms can return after a period of recovery or remission. Usually, a return or relapse of symptoms means that an adjustment is needed to the person’s treatment plan, which may involve therapy, medication adjustments, or lifestyle changes that help restore health. [2]
In some instances, a relapse can serve as an important inflection point that results in a stronger commitment to recovery. For example, a relapse can sometimes be an unfortunate but effective method of revealing unaddressed issues or problems related to unmanaged stress, unhealthy lifestyle choices, or underlying mental health problems.
Common feelings of family members after relapse
A loved one's relapse can trigger a wide range of emotions, many of which are difficult, intense, and sometimes conflicting. Family members often describe feeling as though the progress made during treatment or recovery disappeared overnight, making discouragement one of the most universal reactions.
In addition to feeling discouraged, it’s common for family members to experience a number of other emotional reactions and responses, including: [3][4]
- Shock, disbelief and confusion: It’s normal to feel shocked or confused when first learning a relapse has occurred, especially if there weren’t outward signs or indications.
- Fear, worry and concern: Fear and anxiety are also common reactions, especially when the person has a history of overdoses, accidents, or other serious drug-related incidents.
- Anger, disappointment, and frustration: After investing significant emotional, practical, and financial support during treatment and recovery, a relapse can feel personally upsetting.
- Guilt, responsibility, and self-blame: Sometimes, family members will blame themselves when a loved one relapses, believing there is something more they should have said, done, or paid attention to.
- Grief, sadness, and despair: Feelings of grief are also common and can represent a loss of a hope felt during recovery or sadness and despair at the thought that a loved one may never recover.
What to do immediately after a relapse
Directly after a relapse, it can be difficult to know what steps to take. The steps you need to take may be different, depending on the situation.
1. Prioritize safety
In some situations, relapses signal an emergency situation that requires an immediate response. For example, calling 911 may be necessary if you suspect your loved one has overdosed or is an imminent threat to themselves or others. If children are present, it may be necessary to intervene and take steps to remove the children and arrange alternative care with a safe adult.
2. Provide support
Providing support to a loved one who recently relapsed can be difficult, especially when you are working to process your own feelings and reactions. In the direct aftermath of a relapse, it’s often good to avoid involved conversations with your loved one about the relapse. Instead, work on being supportive while focusing on actionable steps and ways to move forward.
3. Encourage treatment
If there are no imminent risks requiring immediate action, the best course of action is often to encourage the person to re-engage in treatment and resume their recovery efforts. [3][4] If they are currently enrolled in treatment, it may be a good idea to collaborate with their treatment team to re-engage them in treatment. Their level of receptiveness and your emotional state are variables that can significantly influence how productive the conversation is.
Communication scripts: What to say after a relapse
Knowing what to say to a family member after a relapse can be difficult, and there is no one-size-fits-all response that will work for every situation. A number of factors can influence what kind of conversation needs to be had and how to best approach it.
Below are some examples of communication scripts that may be useful to reference when talking to a family member who has experienced a relapse: [3][4]
- “I love you and care about what happens to you”: Reminding your loved one that you are talking to them about their addiction because you love them and care about what happens to them can lower their defensiveness towards you.
- “I’m really worried about you”: Expressing concern for their health and safety is another good way to approach a conversation with a loved one who has recently relapsed without triggering automatic defensiveness.
- “What matters most is what happens next”: Reminding your loved one of the importance of taking action helps shift the focus away from what cannot be changed and towards actionable steps towards recovery.
- “I want you to get the help you need”: This is a supportive way to approach a conversation when you want to encourage a loved one to consider entering treatment.
- “I am going to be here for you”: It can help to remind your loved one that they still have your love and support, although it may be important to set boundaries about what kind of support and help you can offer.
What not to say after a relapse
There are certain things that are unlikely to be helpful or productive in a conversation with a loved one who has relapsed. Here are some suggestions about what not to say to someone who has recently relapsed. [4]
- “I’m so disappointed in you.” This can exacerbate unhelpful feelings of shame and make the person feel more hopeless and defeated.
- “I can’t believe you did this.” This can trigger significant shame and make the person feel like they shouldn’t be honest with you.
- “How could you do this to us?” This is unhelpful because it infers that the relapse was something done intentionally to harm others.
- “How did this even happen?” Directly following a relapse, a person is unlikely to have answers or insight into what caused the relapse.
- “We’ll never be able to trust you again.” This statement is likely to trigger feelings of hopelessness in the person, believing it will never be possible to repair trust or the damage done by the relapse.
Building a family relapse prevention plan
Working as a family to develop a strong relapse prevention plan can help to strengthen a person’s recovery, improve accountability, and prevent relapse. Here are some of the elements that can go into a family relapse prevention plan:
- Triggers for substance use: People, places, things, and situations the person associates with substance use.
- Coping skills: Methods and skills to deal with difficult thoughts, feelings, and urges in healthy ways.
- Warning signs: Behavioral changes and outward signs and early indications of stress or regression.
- Healthy routines and habits: Lifestyle habits and routines that promote self-care, mental, emotional, and physical well-being.
- Tracking and accountability: Ways to track progress towards recovery goals and milestones.
- Social support: Specific supports the person can rely on and ways to strengthen and maintain strong communication and connection with supports.
Self-care and resources for families
There are a number of resources, supports, and self-care strategies that can be helpful for family members of an individual struggling with an addiction: [3]
- Support groups and mutual help groups, like Al-Anon or SMART Recovery for friends and family.
- Professional support services, like individual or family therapy sessions.
- Crisis intervention services, like the 411 hotline, mobile crisis hotlines, or psychiatric crisis centers.
- Self-help articles and books.
- Self-care routines.
- Setting and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Building hope for the family after relapse
A loved one's relapse can be frightening, painful, and confusing, but it does not have to mean that recovery is over. Relapse is a serious sign that something needs attention, but it can also be an opportunity to reassess what is and is not working, identify unmet needs or triggers, and reconnect with treatment and recovery support.
In the immediate aftermath of a relapse, safety and stability are often the priority, especially when there is a risk of overdose, drug-related harm, or medical withdrawals. After these urgent matters have been addressed, it may be important to talk with your loved one about entering into treatment or re-engaging in their recovery. [4]
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